A Little Less Crystal

Since I haven't been blogging, what is it that I have been doing with my time? Well, honestly, I've been lazy and haven't done anything constructive. I have discovered Facebook and along with that, Farmtown and several other "games" such as this one. If you want to "friend me," my email is bagwell123 at gmail dot com.

Also, for the first couple of weeks of not blogging I read the Twilight series. A couple of four times. Consecutively. Every day, during breaks and lunch. If I didn't need sleep, I would have read during that time. Also, after reading these, I decided to pick up Anne Rice. So I read the first five Vampire Chronicles books, the first book in the Mayfair Witch Chronicles, and now I am on the second book. So I read a lot.

And, as I said in the previous post, I decided to get married earlier than originally planned. So, for the last two and a half months, I have been planning my wedding with help from my mom and some input from Michael. He's not really into the "planning" part. But, that's fine. I have enjoyed this immensely, because I never thought I would get to do it. I have always maintained I would never get married because I would only marry him. Michael has always been "the only one for me." No kidding.

For the most part, my eating has been okay as I have said in the previous post. I have had times, mostly on the weekends, that I eat out of control. Seriously. Like a bag of chips and dip. But during the week, I am VERY strict on myself. I think this is how I have maintained what I have. Since I have started back blogging, I hope this will help me stay on track on the weekend as well. We'll see.

Thanks to those who have left me comments. I will start making my way around again. I'm going to ease back into this so it doesn't feel like something I HAVE to do. I want it to be something I want to do and something cathartic again for me.

I need a break. Honestly. The past few weeks for me have been draining. I have watched as the scale has stayed the same with only just the slightest change. Today, I am 243... .8 up from last week. I'm willing to bet it's water. I haven't been able to eat and drink like I'm supposed to. I've been eating a lot of crackers and other easily digestible items. I can't eat raw veggies at the moment because they make me feel like my stomach is going to fall out of my body. I have to be really careful what goes into my mouth. Last night was the first night in about a week I have eaten protein. And, I had to take something so I would not get sick. Water makes me want to gag right now. So, I need a break.

I'm still going to watch what I eat, track my food, and find easy to digest items that are also easy on the calories. I desperately want to lose weight but the fact that my stomach is not cooperating and the scale is not cooperating makes me feel like I just need to take a break. Start over. Refocus. Something.

And read Twilight. Have you heard about these books? I read the first last week and half of the second last night. My plan is to read more today.

But I need to refocus. So, if you don't hear from me in a little bit, don't worry. However, if it's more than a couple of weeks, send out a search party. My email is bagwell123 at gmail dot com. I'll be out trying to forage food to eat, reading Twilight, and getting refocused.

One thing any dieter knows (any dieter who follows healthy dieting principles): You HAVE to eat to lose weight. And I just can't. I can but it makes my stomach hurt so bad. I have managed to eat today and eat pretty healthy: nothing heavily processed. Grilled chicken and roasted potatoes is going to be my dinner. But anything I eat makes me hurt so badly. I'm actually SCARED to eat anything.

I was able to eat on Saturday evening. Michael and I went to a WONDERFUL sushi/hibachi restaurant for dinner...he treated me. :) I had teriyaki shrimp, rice, and a couple of pieces of sushi. It was SO good..especially the sushi. Yes, it made my stomach hurt but not as bad as some food has. It was just a really nice evening. I love him.

So hopefully, my medicine will start working. My tummy will feel better. I will feel better.

(BTW: I skipped my weekly goals this week. I just want my stomach to stop hurting..that's my goal)

I talked last week about setting weekly goals for myself. I plan to stick to that. I am in Week 13 of my lifestyle change, so that's why I put week 13 ^ up there.

Weekly Goals:

Walk 30 minutes each day: Monday-Friday
Drink 64 ounces of water: Monday-Friday
Eat better/Eat well: Saturday and Sunday

Please note this post might not be appropriate for everyone. Don't read it if you are offended easily!

Apparently, I am the spawn of satan. At least that's what my grandmother would have her sister believe. The same sister that said she wasn't allowed to live up there has now decided she IS allowed to live up there and is coming tomorrow to get her. The same sister who called my mom a year ago when my grandmother was there and told her she had 24 hours to get her out of her house. NOW, she's ready to come get her because I'm the spawn of satan.

Because of my grandmother's handicap, she is a little off in the head. She lies and manipulates to get what she wants. I'm not sure she knows what she is doing 100% of the time. I would say 90% of the time she does though. When caught in a lie, she reminds me of a child. A four year old, eyes wide, knowing they just told a fib. AND IT PISSES ME OFF. She told her sister tonight that I hit her in the head with a cell phone. I may be a lot of things but a grandma abuser I am not. I may have a lot of issues but if I was going to hit her, it sure as hell would not be with a cell phone. What the fuck ever...

I got to thinking and I truly believe my weight gain has been stress. I have had issues losing weight since my grandmother got here. And, either because I'm losing weight or because of the stress my TOM is irregular at the moment. I normally only have my TOM once every three months because of the method I use taking my pills. I have had my TOM off and on for almost a month now.

Michael also suggested my weight gain could be muscle from me walking. I don't know what it is but I hope to regain control of my body. This up and down mess can't be good for my body and I know it's not good for my mental state.

I'm also very worried about my mom during this whole thing with my grandmother. I have tried helping my mom with her but my mom is so emotional sometimes. Obviously, if you have read my blog you know that I am too. However, I tend to vent to Michael or to this blog instead of holding it all in. I'm also very VERY honest about what I am feeling and how intensely I am feeling it. That helps...a bit. But my mom...not so much. She holds everything inside and it eats at her. She won't talk to anyone about it or do anything about it. I worry about leaving her when I move into our house. I hope my step-dad comes back home to stay with her (he lives with his mom at the moment).

There's so much going on right now. No wonder my body is holding onto its weight. It's in the fight or flight mode and it's fighting. Damn is it fighting. My heart is still racing as we speak because of the argument with her earlier. FUCK..why does she get to me so bad.

I don't understand. I have gained 1.8 pounds this week and I honestly cannot tell you where it came from. This puts me at 244.0. I have eaten exactly what I was supposed to this week. NO cheating. I have not eaten above my calories AND I have exercised every single day AND I have drank my water everyday. I just feel like I have gained the same poundage and lost the same poundage for the last few weeks. I was hoping to be out of the 240's by now but I'm guess I'm here for another week or so. It's so frustrating to do the best you can do and KNOW that you have done NOTHING to cause this.

Okay, enough pity partying. I will just keep doing what I am doing, walking and eating what I am supposed to eat, and I'll see what happens next week.

I have not taken a lot of time talking about my goals. I have primarily concentrated on my short term and daily journey. There have been a few reasons for this. I have concentrated on the short term and daily issues because looking ahead is too overwhelming. It's too scary. It makes me not be able to breathe. However, I have lost 28 pounds. 28 pounds. I can't believe. January 5, when I started, I never thought that by May I would have lost 28 pounds.

I still have 70 pounds to go. THIS is what causes me to not be able to breathe. THIS is what is overwhelming. I want to lose 100 pounds. I need to lose 100 pounds. I know that I will be the most healthy I can be if I lose 100 pounds. But it's crazy to think that I still have 70 to go. 70.pounds. I'm making such a big deal out of this because I haven't stopped to think about this yet. And maybe I don't need to yet. But, I'm starting to get serious about this journey...not that I haven't been already...but I'm starting to realize that it's possible. I'm starting to realize that I am worth this. I am worth feeling and looking the best that I can.

With all this, I feel like I need to still take it slow. I feel like those small goals I am making are the ones I need to stick to. Right now, my small goal is 235. Once I reach 235, I will think about what I need to do further.

By the way, I have walked twice today. I am so proud of myself. There are a group of ladies at work that walk during our 15 minute breaks. I walked with them and walked when I got home with Mocha. I think I will try to continue doing this. I want to create a calorie deficit of some sort.

I can do this. I know I can.

I am so proud of myself. I walked a little longer today. I took Mocha with me and bless her heart, even she was panting heavily when we were finished. She was ready to go home. I may walk after dinner as well. I am trying to do things in small increments so it's not so overwhelming. My legs always feel so good after I go walk.

I am losing weight at small increments and setting weight goals as well. I am losing 10 pounds at a time. My next goal is 235 and I am at 244.2 right now. If I lose 10 pounds at a time, it's not such a big challenge. I say to myself, "Self, you have lost 10 pounds..You can do another."

I hope everyone is having a good Monday or had a good Monday. The worst part is over. Four days til Friday!

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. My dad's side of the family had a family reunion. There has not been one in 15 years. I did not know hardly anyone but they knew my dad and knew of me. It was crazy looking around and seeing people I have never seen before and they look JUST LIKE ME..or at least they have similar features. It was crazy. Another thing I realized is there are a lot of overweight people in my family. Part of my ongoing issue is definitely genetic. I'm not using it as an excuse..that's just the way it is. There were more overweight people than normal weight people. I was actually on the smaller side. I enjoyed it though. I learned that my family is from all kinds of places but mainly Ireland. It's crazy though that there were not really any red headed people there. I saw mainly dark hair..just like mine.

I took some pictures of mine and Michael's house today. I wanted to post them here for everyone to see.

I will post more as time goes on. I am really falling in love with our house but at the same time, I am very overwhelmed by the thought of it. I am trying to take one day, one room at a time. Right now, we are working on the kitchen. We have painted the kitchen a green color and I want to put up a sunflower border. The ladder is in the way but you can still see the color. I love the color.

As for everything else life related, my grandmother is getting more and more agitated as the days go on. I know that she has issues processing information and feedback. If we tell her to do something (or to not to do something), she is taking it that we do not want her here. Or, she just gets completely irrational. Whatever.

I have kind of gone overboard with the food this weekend. I know I had a huge loss on Saturday so I am not sure why it hasn't motivated me to eat better on the weekends. I love food..period. I have learned to control everything that goes in my mouth Monday through Thursday/Friday. Why am I so lenient with myself on Saturday and Sunday? Do I feel like I have somehow "deserved" to be out of control on those days? I don't know. That's something I want to think about as I continue this journey.

I went walking today! I was so happy that I have gotten up the motivation to go walking. Mocha, my chocolate lab, has been walking with me. See Mocha.

She is very helpful on my walks. She pulls me up the hills and will not allow me to stop. She keeps going no matter what. However, the only issue we are having is she is scared to death out of the fence (we have a fenced in yard). She does not like seeing other dogs.

I look forward to this week. I really want to begin walking at least 15 minutes everyday. I will post updates on how I am doing with that. I'm going to try to start something new this week with the blog. I want to post "weekly goals" that I will try to achieve.

Goal(s) This Week:
Walk 15 minutes a day

I don't know if I have emphasized enough about the fact that I go to bed EVERY NIGHT at 7:30-8:00. I can even go really early at 7:00 if it has been a tiring day for me. I have not always done this. When I was in school and working part time, my life did not require so much energy. I could stay up until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and still get up to go to school and then work afterwards. When I started working full time, that's when this going to bed early thing became a big deal. This was also the time I started putting on a lot of weight. Now according to some studies, getting a good nights sleep helps weight loss. If that were true, I would be a size 2. But I digress.

Yesterday, was a really crazy day for me at work and it got even more so when I came home. I was so stressed out about the house, my grandmother, and life in general that I was really to go to bed around 15 til 8. Then she started and I could tell it was going to be one of those nights. So I got up. And went walking. I got redressed and went walking. At 8 something. I also walked for about 15 minutes but I was so tired afterward. I am WAY out of shape. But I walked, with my chocolate Lab pulling me along. And then I came back and slept LIKE.A.ROCK. I normally get up about three times during the night. Not last night. I don't know if it was the walk or I was just really tired. Whatever. I am going to try to set my walking days for Tuesday and Thursday to start with. I want to walk at least 15 minutes. I am going to do this for two weeks. Then increase my time to 20 minutes. We'll see what happens.

Hope everyone is doing well. I promise to get around to your blogs tonight or tomorrow.

Not sure what is wrong this morning but my tummy started hurting after I ate. Not a nauseous kind of hurt just tummy pain. I hope it goes away.

Okay, my question today is this: Is it wrong for me to feel aggravated with a coworker who has lost more weight than I have in the four weeks she has started? I was the one who encouraged her to start and all she talks about is how much weight SHE has lost, how much exercise SHE does, and acts completely uninterested in what I'm doing. I have really stopped talking to her for the most part. Not just because of this but other ways she makes me feel very negative about my day and work. She talks bad about everything at our work.

Also, I was talking with a different coworker about my grandmother and this coworker fussed at me for talking about my grandmother. I told her I wasn't talking to her and that she did not have to listen if she didn't want to hear what I have to say.

Anyway, back to my original thought. She has a personal trainer (because she can AFFORD to). Her husband is very wealthy so the money she makes working, is "play money." She talks about eating organic and all this nonsense. And it aggravates me. She is unconcerned about anything having to do with my weight loss. It's all about her. I think I am going to continue not talking to her. I don't need or want negativity in my life right now. I am proud of my progress. I have seen the scale dip down this week after my loss on Saturday. I am hoping to at least get back to where I was two weeks ago (245).

I haven't started walking yet. I want to do this tonight whenever I get home. I have also order The Biggest Loser Cookbook, the first one. I have the 30 Day Jump Start and the Family Cookbook but I wanted this one.

Hope everyone is having a good week! Two days til Friday!

Oh my. My grandmother is driving me crazy. My migraines have increased since she come to live here. I used to have migraines long ago and they had stopped for the most part. Now, they are back. The sound of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard for me. She does nothing but fucking complain. I know she is my grandmother but DEAR GOD, STOP FUCKING TALKING FOR FIVE MINUTES!!! Ahem. Sorry. Find out more about her here and here and here AND here. Look, I completely understand that she's my grandmother and I should have respect for her for that fact alone. She's never been a grandmother in the ways I define a grandmother. I guess that's why I feel like she's my mother's mother and not my grandmother. And I guess that's why she pisses me the fuck off. She doesn't really have a sense of what is appropriate to talk about when. And will talk about anything at the most inappropriate times. And all she does is complain.

(yes, I'm complaining now...shut up. I have to vent).

Moving on....

I'm beginning to calm down a little big with the house issues. I called our warranty company tonight and they are sending some plumbers and electricians out to look into some of our issues. That makes me happy. I want things fixed...and I want it now..kinda like this weight loss thing.

Why, in the hell, does it take so long to take the weight off and takes no time to put it back on? That pisses me off. I know last week was earned but still. It took one week to put the same two pounds back on as it took three weeks to take it off. I guess that's part of it and I guess I'm feeling a little frustrated. I want to walk but I'm having to help my mom with my grandmother. My mom is going to have to start doing it herself. I need to walk to relieve some of this stress. It's important for my mental health and physical health. The weight would come off easier if I could walk. We'll see what happens.

Thanks for listening to me bitch. Appreciate that.

I dreaded the scale this morning. I knew it wasn't going to be good. I knew the scale was going to show my transgressions of the week. And I was right. I was up 2 pounds this morning, weighing 247.2. And I wasn't surprised.

This week, I did not concentrate on myself. I did not cook every night like I normally do. I did not stay 100% on plan and I ate things that I haven't been eating. There hasn't been a binge but there has been continuous bad eating this week. It started with Tuesday, the day the house closed. Supper was Wendy's Jr. Cheeseburger with a cup of Chili. Wednesday's lunch was Fuddruckers Cheeseburger with fries. And yesterday's lunch was Joy of Tokyo (a Japanese restaurant). Last night's dinner was pizza. Things have been so hectic this week that this was easier. But as we all know, easy is not always best. I did not expect to lose this week but gaining two pounds is also something I did not expect.

I know that I need to take time for me, regardless who else I am having to take care of. I know that I need to make sure I put the healthiest things I can into my body. I am important enough, if to no one else, to myself to do this. This has been the first whole week of backsliding. Yes, I have had a time when I completely lost control. But it was different this week. I was in control and knew what I was eating. I was just so busy, tired, and aggravated to care.

This week will be different. I have learned it has to be. I have actually felt worse this week than I have in past weeks. I haven't had as much energy. Yes, this week will be different. And all other weeks after that. I have learned a hard valuable lesson. I don't want to undo all the progress that I have made.

I'm back on track.

Stopping by to say that I am not going to kill over for awhile. But seriously, I am doing great. My doctor says that he is extremely happy with the blood work I had done a few weeks ago at work. Everything looks exactly like it should and some even looks better than it should (given my weight). My heart valve is ticking away just like it should. There is no evidence of deterioration or leakage around the valve. Which, for me, is wonderful news. I have been worried about this for the past couple of weeks. I have been tired and having chest pains. He attributes this to stress and said I need to exercise.
Yes, thank you. I realize that. That's why I am here. I want to start exercising. I want to start feeling better. I want to lose weight faster. Anyway, he knew why I was there and was just telling me what I wanted to hear. So, what do I plan to do?

I do plan to start exercising...just not tonight. I have a massive headache at the moment. And, my grandmother is at an all new "high" so to speak. I don't know what the deal is with her. She is a perpetual three year old and when caught in a lie, lies like a three year old. But whatever. Exercising. Yes. I plan to do it. But not tonight.

One thing I love about having a blog is people get interested in what's going on in your life. I had a comment in my last post here asking about the closing of my house. Thank you so much 4 oz. Lets me know you care.

The closing went really well and without any issues. I really enjoyed the whole process once I got over my anxiety of it all. The lawyer was wonderful and my realtor and broker/lender was there. This made it all very easy to deal with and I understood what was going on. Before the closing, my anxiety was through the roof. During the closing, I was very calm and very focused. After the closing, I was very nervous, almost nauseous. Even now, I am little nervous about the whole situation.

My food was not that great today. It was okay and could have been worse. I have only gone over 67 calories. I'm not sure how this week is going to be anyway for me. The stress is through the roof for me. Combine my grandmother, with my house closing, and trying to work my ass off at work, I'm starving. For me, when I am really stressed, I get really hungry. I have tried to control what I eat to ensure that at least I don't gain.

I'm also nervous about the doctor tomorrow. I have an artificial aorta valve. I have had it since I was 9 and I am almost 26 years old. They generally only last 10 years but mine has lasted 17 years. We are going to find out how the valve is doing now and how I am doing in general. This creates enormous stress for me. I am so scared something will be wrong. I don't want to admit this fear because I feel like I need to protect everyone around me from me. Does that make sense? I guess we will see what happens.

Hope everyone is doing well with their week. I will definitely be here tomorrow to tell everyone how my doctor's appointment went.

Oh my gosh! I'm having such a hard time finding time to write this blog. I am helping my mom with my grandmother. She is more work than actually going to work is. By the time she has eaten dinner, taken her medicine, and calmed down for the evening, I am ready to read or go to sleep. Tonight is the first night that she has eaten before 7:00. I am not quite sure how we accomplished this but I am seated at my computer.

Tomorrow's the day. Michael and I become a homeowners tomorrow. To be honest, it makes me a little nauseous...it's just nerves. I know we can do this but my Lord, there's so much to do. The house comes with a few glitches but for the price, we couldn't have gotten anything better. I know that it's going to be worth it, especially when we start making the house "ours," when it becomes "home."

I did better with my food today than I did last week. I have eaten all but 200 of the calories I am supposed to eat. I really want to start working on my sodium intake now. I think the water has helped flush out the sodium but I know it's not a cure. I have stopped adding salt to my food and that was a big step for me. The water is getting to be a habit and is getting easier. I actually feel dehydrated when I don't drink my water.

The whole plan is getting better for me. I know it will get easier as I go. I am not so naive to think that the whole emotional eating is over, but it's getting better. I can control it and this blog helps tremendously.

Okay, so remember last week, when my grandmother came up here? Here, I'll wait while you read a little about my grandmother....Finished? Yeah, she's not much better at the moment. My uncle finally brought her bed here along with all of her worldly belongings. This upset her to no end and brought about a semi nervous breakdown. Yes, it's final. She's here for as long as my mom can keep her here. And, as frustrating as she is, it's good she's here. I have a feeling she ate crap at my uncle's house. She has said more than once all she ate was Cheerios. While this is not completely unhealthy, it's not the best thing for her, especially all the time. However, since she has come here, she has done nothing but eat. I'm not sure if it's because she had nothing or she just eats that much. She eats 3x as much as I do and this cannot be healthy for her. But, what can you do? She's not eating junk but she adds salt, butter, other crap to the food she eats. And that's bad.

Tuesday, April 7, I will officially be a homeowner. I will definitely be closing on mine and Michael's house on Tuesday. This is also very nerve racking for me but I know it will be worth. I know that this is a good move given the present economic climate. I am very excited and look forward to getting our house set up. I know Michael is excited about this as well. He was disappointed that we did not close this past Tuesday. In fact, he was a little angry about it. We are ready though.

I'm a little scared about how this will effect my weight loss. I have been so nervous this week that I haven't really eaten like I am supposed to. I haven't eaten junk food...not at all. I just haven't eaten all my calories. I haven't been hungry enough to eat. When I do eat, it feels forced and I hate that. I have still been drinking water (and peeing more than a normal person should). I know that this journey is going to be worth it.

Oh, good news. I had a blood panel test done at work about two weeks ago. I got my results yesterday and they are GREAT. My cholesterol is 122 overall. I will post more results at another time. I go to bed really early and it's that time. Good night.

Happy April Fools Day! Actually I hate this day if truth be told. I'm a very gullible person and will believe most anything told to me by a friend or family member. I'm just not that skeptical of these people. But whatever.

"4 oz" has listed her "March Wrap Up" and I thought it was a great idea. So I am going to do something similar. I started my journey on January 5. It has technically not be three full months yet but we are going to pretend that it has. I have lost 23 pounds in the past three months. I wanted to lose at least 30 but I am proud of my accomplishment. I have definitely seen progress in my clothes and my pictures. I have had one major bump in the road and a few gains here and here. However, before I started blogging I had a major loss of five pounds in one week. So, overall, the past three months have been good for me. I have not enjoyed everything about this journey but seeing results, as well as others seeing my results have been worth it. Thank you to everyone who visits and comments here. You have helped me more than you know!

These are new progress pictures. They were taken March 28, 2009. I weight 247. I have lost 23 pounds since I began January 5.

Okay, so let's face it. It's not been the best of weeks for me on the home front. I feel like I am raising a VERY independent three year old. One minute, my grandmother is telling me she loves me and the next she says she isn't going to talk to me. I could give examples but you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Just imagine the most stubborn and independent three year old and that's her.

Work has been okay. I'm glad the week is over and hopefully, everyone will be back next week. I am so busy with my own stuff. I don't have time to make up others slack. But whatever.

As far as my diet goes, I'm tired of calling it that. I have been doing this for three months now. This is the longest I have stuck to something since I was 18 (I'll post more about that later). I have really gotten used to eating how I eat and it's not that I didn't know to begin with, I just didn't DO it. I feel like increasing my water intake has really helped this week. I have not felt nearly as hungry or had cravings as I have had in the past.

The major problem I have had this week is I haven't eaten all my calories every day. I have kinda done the calorie cycling thing. I just haven't been hungry enough to eat everything I am supposed to. I know that I have to eat to lose weight. I don't want my body to go into "starvation mode" because I am not eating.

I did weigh this morning and I lost three pounds...yes, three pounds. That puts my weight at 247. This is a 31 pound lost from November 2008 and a 23 pound lost since January 5. I am proud of the three pounds but also, I am scared of it. I have been lost small amounts of weight each week..between 1 and 2 pounds. I am scared of losing more than that. I don't want to continue to yo yo up and down. But, I guess that's how it goes.

I want to thank everyone for the comments this week. They have meant so much and helped me more than you know. I try to read and respond to each one.

Let's hope for a better week, shall we?