A Little Less Crystal

And I feel like I'm drowning in it. Change is happening at work and I'm so nervous. The good thing is I STILL HAVE A JOB. I keep repeating this to myself. I still have a job. I still have a place to go to and make money. I will still make my house payment. But there will be some adjusting. I'm moving to a different location but will have the same job.

My second realization is that I am gaining a new family. I'm not very familiar with some of these people. But it's okay. I love Michael and I know he loves me. I can deal with the new family a little bit at a time.

I am still battling the IRS to get my First Time Home Owners tax credit and it feels like a never ending battle. I am drained. I am tired. And I just want it to be over.

On a different note, I lost two pounds last week. I was happy. At this point, I'm just happy maintaining. I know the loss will probably be gained but as long as the scale stays around 245 right now, I'm happy. I will worry about losing when the wedding is over, the IRS mess is over, and the work change is final. I'll always have the family so that's an ongoing process.

Without change there can't be progress right? Yeah, well, I guess.

Have you ever dealt with the IRS? Did you ever feel like you were dealing with a stubborn two year old? I am in the process of trying to claim the First Time Home Owners Tax Credit and it has been a pain in the ass. I have bent over backwards trying to get the information that they have requested. I am convinced that there is not a "letter by a government entity" I am supposed to get. This is just something the IRS dreamed up to make this difficult. No one knows what type of letter I am supposed to be getting.

Also, Michael and I are in the process of getting some information together to get a marriage license. The wedding has never been as stressful as this IRS and marriage license stuff.

Weight is still the same. I have still be tracking but today has not been good. But, as long as I can maintain until October, I will be happy.

Since I haven't been blogging, what is it that I have been doing with my time? Well, honestly, I've been lazy and haven't done anything constructive. I have discovered Facebook and along with that, Farmtown and several other "games" such as this one. If you want to "friend me," my email is bagwell123 at gmail dot com.

Also, for the first couple of weeks of not blogging I read the Twilight series. A couple of four times. Consecutively. Every day, during breaks and lunch. If I didn't need sleep, I would have read during that time. Also, after reading these, I decided to pick up Anne Rice. So I read the first five Vampire Chronicles books, the first book in the Mayfair Witch Chronicles, and now I am on the second book. So I read a lot.

And, as I said in the previous post, I decided to get married earlier than originally planned. So, for the last two and a half months, I have been planning my wedding with help from my mom and some input from Michael. He's not really into the "planning" part. But, that's fine. I have enjoyed this immensely, because I never thought I would get to do it. I have always maintained I would never get married because I would only marry him. Michael has always been "the only one for me." No kidding.

For the most part, my eating has been okay as I have said in the previous post. I have had times, mostly on the weekends, that I eat out of control. Seriously. Like a bag of chips and dip. But during the week, I am VERY strict on myself. I think this is how I have maintained what I have. Since I have started back blogging, I hope this will help me stay on track on the weekend as well. We'll see.

Thanks to those who have left me comments. I will start making my way around again. I'm going to ease back into this so it doesn't feel like something I HAVE to do. I want it to be something I want to do and something cathartic again for me.

*Peaks around the corner* "Hello?" *Hearing self echo*

It's been 17 weeks since my last blog entry. I think it's time. The good news is I haven't gained weight back. I've pretty much stayed in between 242 and 245. I still track everyday and try to keep on plan. However, there are days when I have went off plan completely and did "my own thing" (translation: Pizza and cheetos and chips and ice cream). But I have maintained which is more than I can say for myself in the past. To be honest, I haven't proactively, seriously, consciously TRIED to lose weight. My main concern has been to not GAIN weight.

In other news, Michael and I decided in July that we are getting married in October. Well, let's be honest. I asked if October was okay, told him why I wanted to be married this year, and he say okay. It wasn't his idea but he's okay with it. We were going to wait until October 2010 but I just could not. So, here we are. I started planning as soon as I knew he was okay with it and have been planning ever since. I'm very excited and very nervous at the same time.

And seeing as I am not busy enough already, I've decided to try to blog again. I need to blog. I have missed it so much. For me, writing is my "happy pill." My way to make it better when everything is so wrong. Here I go.

I need a break. Honestly. The past few weeks for me have been draining. I have watched as the scale has stayed the same with only just the slightest change. Today, I am 243... .8 up from last week. I'm willing to bet it's water. I haven't been able to eat and drink like I'm supposed to. I've been eating a lot of crackers and other easily digestible items. I can't eat raw veggies at the moment because they make me feel like my stomach is going to fall out of my body. I have to be really careful what goes into my mouth. Last night was the first night in about a week I have eaten protein. And, I had to take something so I would not get sick. Water makes me want to gag right now. So, I need a break.

I'm still going to watch what I eat, track my food, and find easy to digest items that are also easy on the calories. I desperately want to lose weight but the fact that my stomach is not cooperating and the scale is not cooperating makes me feel like I just need to take a break. Start over. Refocus. Something.

And read Twilight. Have you heard about these books? I read the first last week and half of the second last night. My plan is to read more today.

But I need to refocus. So, if you don't hear from me in a little bit, don't worry. However, if it's more than a couple of weeks, send out a search party. My email is bagwell123 at gmail dot com. I'll be out trying to forage food to eat, reading Twilight, and getting refocused.

I know, it's good news. My doctor got my blood tests back and has figured out part of my problem. My enzymes in my body are low..the enzymes that process food you eat are low. Which is WHY when I eat raw vegetables/salad, I feel like I am dying. So basically, I just have to take it easy for a little bit and let my stomach get back to normal. Hell if I know how it got this way and my doctor says that it sometimes "just happens." Let's not let it happen again shall we? According to her, I have no control over it and "it's not my fault." So, for right now, we have to continue eating things that are easy for the stomach to digest. Basically, the BRAT diet: B-bananas, R-rice, A-applesauce, T-toast (or other easy to digest items). We'll see what happens.

I have decided that while I am having to eat easy to digest foods, I am not going to weigh. However, I am also not going to be eating unhealthy stuff either. My goal at the moment is to maintain, maintain, maintain. Once I get some strength back, I will begin to walk again.

On a brighter note, I can go back to work tomorrow. YAY! Sitting here frustrates me. TO THE MAX.

OMG can I not just get better? I am so frustrated with feeling bad. I felt great until this morning and then I felt like my stomach was trying to kill me. No, I knew my stomach was trying to kill me. It felt like I was having a gallbladder attack and I don't even have a gallbladder. I took all kinds of stomach medicine and when nothing worked, I called the doctor. More lab tests (ones that weren't done before), xrays, that kind of thing. We'll call you tomorrow about the results. I've been asleep since 1:00 this afternoon. It's 4:30 now. I never sleep in the middle of the day. I still don't feel good and am still having pains in my stomach. We'll see what happens.

BTW: Thanks again to everyone for their support. It means a lot that complete strangers care for me.

One thing any dieter knows (any dieter who follows healthy dieting principles): You HAVE to eat to lose weight. And I just can't. I can but it makes my stomach hurt so bad. I have managed to eat today and eat pretty healthy: nothing heavily processed. Grilled chicken and roasted potatoes is going to be my dinner. But anything I eat makes me hurt so badly. I'm actually SCARED to eat anything.

I was able to eat on Saturday evening. Michael and I went to a WONDERFUL sushi/hibachi restaurant for dinner...he treated me. :) I had teriyaki shrimp, rice, and a couple of pieces of sushi. It was SO good..especially the sushi. Yes, it made my stomach hurt but not as bad as some food has. It was just a really nice evening. I love him.

So hopefully, my medicine will start working. My tummy will feel better. I will feel better.

(BTW: I skipped my weekly goals this week. I just want my stomach to stop hurting..that's my goal)

Okay, so I'm a little better today. My stomach does not hurt as much and I don't feel as sick. However, I'm a little afraid of the scale on Saturday. I have eaten whatever I felt I could hold down and it hasn't exactly been "healthy." I may even just skip the scale on Saturday and weigh next Saturday.

Thanks everyone for the comments and well wishes. I promise to get around to all of you this weekend. For now, I'm resting.

Okay, so when I woke up this morning, I still felt like crap. Instead of only feeling nauseous, I also felt like my back was on fire. Time to go to the doctor. So, I have a bladder infection. Freaking wonderful. So, went to Publix, picked up my antibiotic and came home. I do have to give props to Publix though. They have free antibiotics and my other medicine wasn't that expensive. I have insurance but I still get worried. Also, Publix has AWESOME healthy choices all throughout the store. Stuff other grocery chains do not have. For me, Publix has always been a little more expensive but they have awesome stuff. I will definitely be back to look around there.

Oh, one more thing. I was so excited this morning at the doctor's office even though I felt horrible. I have lost thirty pounds since the end of January (the last time I was there). AND the doctor was so happy about this, which made me really happy.

I don't know what has been wrong with me today. There is a stomach virus/flu thing going around. Chances are, I have that. I feel so sick and so tired. My mom also told me that it could be just tiredness from my grandmother. Now, I don't have a three year old to look after, I just feel tired.

On a different note, I found out about two weeks ago my best friend is pregnant. And THEN, I found out yesterday, my brother and his wife is pregnant. My best friend is like my sister so I am going to be an aunt two times. I'm so excited. I have to get healthier so I can look after and run after these babies.

Please note this post might not be appropriate for everyone. Don't read it if you are offended easily!

Apparently, I am the spawn of satan. At least that's what my grandmother would have her sister believe. The same sister that said she wasn't allowed to live up there has now decided she IS allowed to live up there and is coming tomorrow to get her. The same sister who called my mom a year ago when my grandmother was there and told her she had 24 hours to get her out of her house. NOW, she's ready to come get her because I'm the spawn of satan.

Because of my grandmother's handicap, she is a little off in the head. She lies and manipulates to get what she wants. I'm not sure she knows what she is doing 100% of the time. I would say 90% of the time she does though. When caught in a lie, she reminds me of a child. A four year old, eyes wide, knowing they just told a fib. AND IT PISSES ME OFF. She told her sister tonight that I hit her in the head with a cell phone. I may be a lot of things but a grandma abuser I am not. I may have a lot of issues but if I was going to hit her, it sure as hell would not be with a cell phone. What the fuck ever...

I got to thinking and I truly believe my weight gain has been stress. I have had issues losing weight since my grandmother got here. And, either because I'm losing weight or because of the stress my TOM is irregular at the moment. I normally only have my TOM once every three months because of the method I use taking my pills. I have had my TOM off and on for almost a month now.

Michael also suggested my weight gain could be muscle from me walking. I don't know what it is but I hope to regain control of my body. This up and down mess can't be good for my body and I know it's not good for my mental state.

I'm also very worried about my mom during this whole thing with my grandmother. I have tried helping my mom with her but my mom is so emotional sometimes. Obviously, if you have read my blog you know that I am too. However, I tend to vent to Michael or to this blog instead of holding it all in. I'm also very VERY honest about what I am feeling and how intensely I am feeling it. That helps...a bit. But my mom...not so much. She holds everything inside and it eats at her. She won't talk to anyone about it or do anything about it. I worry about leaving her when I move into our house. I hope my step-dad comes back home to stay with her (he lives with his mom at the moment).

There's so much going on right now. No wonder my body is holding onto its weight. It's in the fight or flight mode and it's fighting. Damn is it fighting. My heart is still racing as we speak because of the argument with her earlier. FUCK..why does she get to me so bad.

How important are your mornings to you? Do you go full speed in the morning or is it your "you time?" For me, the mornings are the best time of the day. Normally, it is quiet because my mom is at work and my grandmother is sleeping. My mom goes to work at 5:15 and I get up around 5:30 or 5:45. This is my computer time, time to blog, and think about my day. It's important to my mindset.

But not this morning. This morning my grandmother is awake. Oh my dear God..is she awake. I am still blogging as she is talking but it doesn't feel the same. There is no tuning her out, no not listening to her.

Oh well. Hope everyone has a good day.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. My dad's side of the family had a family reunion. There has not been one in 15 years. I did not know hardly anyone but they knew my dad and knew of me. It was crazy looking around and seeing people I have never seen before and they look JUST LIKE ME..or at least they have similar features. It was crazy. Another thing I realized is there are a lot of overweight people in my family. Part of my ongoing issue is definitely genetic. I'm not using it as an excuse..that's just the way it is. There were more overweight people than normal weight people. I was actually on the smaller side. I enjoyed it though. I learned that my family is from all kinds of places but mainly Ireland. It's crazy though that there were not really any red headed people there. I saw mainly dark hair..just like mine.

I took some pictures of mine and Michael's house today. I wanted to post them here for everyone to see.

I will post more as time goes on. I am really falling in love with our house but at the same time, I am very overwhelmed by the thought of it. I am trying to take one day, one room at a time. Right now, we are working on the kitchen. We have painted the kitchen a green color and I want to put up a sunflower border. The ladder is in the way but you can still see the color. I love the color.

As for everything else life related, my grandmother is getting more and more agitated as the days go on. I know that she has issues processing information and feedback. If we tell her to do something (or to not to do something), she is taking it that we do not want her here. Or, she just gets completely irrational. Whatever.

I have kind of gone overboard with the food this weekend. I know I had a huge loss on Saturday so I am not sure why it hasn't motivated me to eat better on the weekends. I love food..period. I have learned to control everything that goes in my mouth Monday through Thursday/Friday. Why am I so lenient with myself on Saturday and Sunday? Do I feel like I have somehow "deserved" to be out of control on those days? I don't know. That's something I want to think about as I continue this journey.

I went walking today! I was so happy that I have gotten up the motivation to go walking. Mocha, my chocolate lab, has been walking with me. See Mocha.

She is very helpful on my walks. She pulls me up the hills and will not allow me to stop. She keeps going no matter what. However, the only issue we are having is she is scared to death out of the fence (we have a fenced in yard). She does not like seeing other dogs.

I look forward to this week. I really want to begin walking at least 15 minutes everyday. I will post updates on how I am doing with that. I'm going to try to start something new this week with the blog. I want to post "weekly goals" that I will try to achieve.

Goal(s) This Week:
Walk 15 minutes a day

I don't know if I have emphasized enough about the fact that I go to bed EVERY NIGHT at 7:30-8:00. I can even go really early at 7:00 if it has been a tiring day for me. I have not always done this. When I was in school and working part time, my life did not require so much energy. I could stay up until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and still get up to go to school and then work afterwards. When I started working full time, that's when this going to bed early thing became a big deal. This was also the time I started putting on a lot of weight. Now according to some studies, getting a good nights sleep helps weight loss. If that were true, I would be a size 2. But I digress.

Yesterday, was a really crazy day for me at work and it got even more so when I came home. I was so stressed out about the house, my grandmother, and life in general that I was really to go to bed around 15 til 8. Then she started and I could tell it was going to be one of those nights. So I got up. And went walking. I got redressed and went walking. At 8 something. I also walked for about 15 minutes but I was so tired afterward. I am WAY out of shape. But I walked, with my chocolate Lab pulling me along. And then I came back and slept LIKE.A.ROCK. I normally get up about three times during the night. Not last night. I don't know if it was the walk or I was just really tired. Whatever. I am going to try to set my walking days for Tuesday and Thursday to start with. I want to walk at least 15 minutes. I am going to do this for two weeks. Then increase my time to 20 minutes. We'll see what happens.

Hope everyone is doing well. I promise to get around to your blogs tonight or tomorrow.

Not sure what is wrong this morning but my tummy started hurting after I ate. Not a nauseous kind of hurt just tummy pain. I hope it goes away.

Okay, my question today is this: Is it wrong for me to feel aggravated with a coworker who has lost more weight than I have in the four weeks she has started? I was the one who encouraged her to start and all she talks about is how much weight SHE has lost, how much exercise SHE does, and acts completely uninterested in what I'm doing. I have really stopped talking to her for the most part. Not just because of this but other ways she makes me feel very negative about my day and work. She talks bad about everything at our work.

Also, I was talking with a different coworker about my grandmother and this coworker fussed at me for talking about my grandmother. I told her I wasn't talking to her and that she did not have to listen if she didn't want to hear what I have to say.

Anyway, back to my original thought. She has a personal trainer (because she can AFFORD to). Her husband is very wealthy so the money she makes working, is "play money." She talks about eating organic and all this nonsense. And it aggravates me. She is unconcerned about anything having to do with my weight loss. It's all about her. I think I am going to continue not talking to her. I don't need or want negativity in my life right now. I am proud of my progress. I have seen the scale dip down this week after my loss on Saturday. I am hoping to at least get back to where I was two weeks ago (245).

I haven't started walking yet. I want to do this tonight whenever I get home. I have also order The Biggest Loser Cookbook, the first one. I have the 30 Day Jump Start and the Family Cookbook but I wanted this one.

Hope everyone is having a good week! Two days til Friday!

Oh my. My grandmother is driving me crazy. My migraines have increased since she come to live here. I used to have migraines long ago and they had stopped for the most part. Now, they are back. The sound of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard for me. She does nothing but fucking complain. I know she is my grandmother but DEAR GOD, STOP FUCKING TALKING FOR FIVE MINUTES!!! Ahem. Sorry. Find out more about her here and here and here AND here. Look, I completely understand that she's my grandmother and I should have respect for her for that fact alone. She's never been a grandmother in the ways I define a grandmother. I guess that's why I feel like she's my mother's mother and not my grandmother. And I guess that's why she pisses me the fuck off. She doesn't really have a sense of what is appropriate to talk about when. And will talk about anything at the most inappropriate times. And all she does is complain.

(yes, I'm complaining now...shut up. I have to vent).

Moving on....

I'm beginning to calm down a little big with the house issues. I called our warranty company tonight and they are sending some plumbers and electricians out to look into some of our issues. That makes me happy. I want things fixed...and I want it now..kinda like this weight loss thing.

Why, in the hell, does it take so long to take the weight off and takes no time to put it back on? That pisses me off. I know last week was earned but still. It took one week to put the same two pounds back on as it took three weeks to take it off. I guess that's part of it and I guess I'm feeling a little frustrated. I want to walk but I'm having to help my mom with my grandmother. My mom is going to have to start doing it herself. I need to walk to relieve some of this stress. It's important for my mental health and physical health. The weight would come off easier if I could walk. We'll see what happens.

Thanks for listening to me bitch. Appreciate that.

Okay, so I'm waiting for my car to warm up before I head out to work. I hate getting in a cold car and waiting for the heat to warm things up.

This weekend was a productive weekend I think. My mom and I got to work cleaning my new house on Saturday. It was a long drawn out process enhanced by the fact that my mom LOVES to clean. She was in her element. We dusted EVERYTHING, vacuumed EVERYTHING, and mopped EVERYTHING..except the kitchen. It smelled so much better when we were finished. My body is still sore from doing all this but it was worth it.

On Sunday, Michael and I went to Lowes and picked out paint to paint the kitchen. I want my kitchen done in sunflowers. I want it to have a bit of a country feel to it.

I think looking around the house this weekend, Michael and I became a little overwhelmed with everything we still have to do. There are things with the electrical components that need to be worked on. I have to call the warranty company and see what to do about not having hot water. So much to do. But, it's worth it. I know it's worth. It's our home now.

I dreaded the scale this morning. I knew it wasn't going to be good. I knew the scale was going to show my transgressions of the week. And I was right. I was up 2 pounds this morning, weighing 247.2. And I wasn't surprised.

This week, I did not concentrate on myself. I did not cook every night like I normally do. I did not stay 100% on plan and I ate things that I haven't been eating. There hasn't been a binge but there has been continuous bad eating this week. It started with Tuesday, the day the house closed. Supper was Wendy's Jr. Cheeseburger with a cup of Chili. Wednesday's lunch was Fuddruckers Cheeseburger with fries. And yesterday's lunch was Joy of Tokyo (a Japanese restaurant). Last night's dinner was pizza. Things have been so hectic this week that this was easier. But as we all know, easy is not always best. I did not expect to lose this week but gaining two pounds is also something I did not expect.

I know that I need to take time for me, regardless who else I am having to take care of. I know that I need to make sure I put the healthiest things I can into my body. I am important enough, if to no one else, to myself to do this. This has been the first whole week of backsliding. Yes, I have had a time when I completely lost control. But it was different this week. I was in control and knew what I was eating. I was just so busy, tired, and aggravated to care.

This week will be different. I have learned it has to be. I have actually felt worse this week than I have in past weeks. I haven't had as much energy. Yes, this week will be different. And all other weeks after that. I have learned a hard valuable lesson. I don't want to undo all the progress that I have made.

I'm back on track.

Stopping by to say that I am not going to kill over for awhile. But seriously, I am doing great. My doctor says that he is extremely happy with the blood work I had done a few weeks ago at work. Everything looks exactly like it should and some even looks better than it should (given my weight). My heart valve is ticking away just like it should. There is no evidence of deterioration or leakage around the valve. Which, for me, is wonderful news. I have been worried about this for the past couple of weeks. I have been tired and having chest pains. He attributes this to stress and said I need to exercise.
Yes, thank you. I realize that. That's why I am here. I want to start exercising. I want to start feeling better. I want to lose weight faster. Anyway, he knew why I was there and was just telling me what I wanted to hear. So, what do I plan to do?

I do plan to start exercising...just not tonight. I have a massive headache at the moment. And, my grandmother is at an all new "high" so to speak. I don't know what the deal is with her. She is a perpetual three year old and when caught in a lie, lies like a three year old. But whatever. Exercising. Yes. I plan to do it. But not tonight.