A Little Less Crystal

Since I haven't been blogging, what is it that I have been doing with my time? Well, honestly, I've been lazy and haven't done anything constructive. I have discovered Facebook and along with that, Farmtown and several other "games" such as this one. If you want to "friend me," my email is bagwell123 at gmail dot com.

Also, for the first couple of weeks of not blogging I read the Twilight series. A couple of four times. Consecutively. Every day, during breaks and lunch. If I didn't need sleep, I would have read during that time. Also, after reading these, I decided to pick up Anne Rice. So I read the first five Vampire Chronicles books, the first book in the Mayfair Witch Chronicles, and now I am on the second book. So I read a lot.

And, as I said in the previous post, I decided to get married earlier than originally planned. So, for the last two and a half months, I have been planning my wedding with help from my mom and some input from Michael. He's not really into the "planning" part. But, that's fine. I have enjoyed this immensely, because I never thought I would get to do it. I have always maintained I would never get married because I would only marry him. Michael has always been "the only one for me." No kidding.

For the most part, my eating has been okay as I have said in the previous post. I have had times, mostly on the weekends, that I eat out of control. Seriously. Like a bag of chips and dip. But during the week, I am VERY strict on myself. I think this is how I have maintained what I have. Since I have started back blogging, I hope this will help me stay on track on the weekend as well. We'll see.

Thanks to those who have left me comments. I will start making my way around again. I'm going to ease back into this so it doesn't feel like something I HAVE to do. I want it to be something I want to do and something cathartic again for me.

*Peaks around the corner* "Hello?" *Hearing self echo*

It's been 17 weeks since my last blog entry. I think it's time. The good news is I haven't gained weight back. I've pretty much stayed in between 242 and 245. I still track everyday and try to keep on plan. However, there are days when I have went off plan completely and did "my own thing" (translation: Pizza and cheetos and chips and ice cream). But I have maintained which is more than I can say for myself in the past. To be honest, I haven't proactively, seriously, consciously TRIED to lose weight. My main concern has been to not GAIN weight.

In other news, Michael and I decided in July that we are getting married in October. Well, let's be honest. I asked if October was okay, told him why I wanted to be married this year, and he say okay. It wasn't his idea but he's okay with it. We were going to wait until October 2010 but I just could not. So, here we are. I started planning as soon as I knew he was okay with it and have been planning ever since. I'm very excited and very nervous at the same time.

And seeing as I am not busy enough already, I've decided to try to blog again. I need to blog. I have missed it so much. For me, writing is my "happy pill." My way to make it better when everything is so wrong. Here I go.

One thing any dieter knows (any dieter who follows healthy dieting principles): You HAVE to eat to lose weight. And I just can't. I can but it makes my stomach hurt so bad. I have managed to eat today and eat pretty healthy: nothing heavily processed. Grilled chicken and roasted potatoes is going to be my dinner. But anything I eat makes me hurt so badly. I'm actually SCARED to eat anything.

I was able to eat on Saturday evening. Michael and I went to a WONDERFUL sushi/hibachi restaurant for dinner...he treated me. :) I had teriyaki shrimp, rice, and a couple of pieces of sushi. It was SO good..especially the sushi. Yes, it made my stomach hurt but not as bad as some food has. It was just a really nice evening. I love him.

So hopefully, my medicine will start working. My tummy will feel better. I will feel better.

(BTW: I skipped my weekly goals this week. I just want my stomach to stop hurting..that's my goal)

Okay, so I'm waiting for my car to warm up before I head out to work. I hate getting in a cold car and waiting for the heat to warm things up.

This weekend was a productive weekend I think. My mom and I got to work cleaning my new house on Saturday. It was a long drawn out process enhanced by the fact that my mom LOVES to clean. She was in her element. We dusted EVERYTHING, vacuumed EVERYTHING, and mopped EVERYTHING..except the kitchen. It smelled so much better when we were finished. My body is still sore from doing all this but it was worth it.

On Sunday, Michael and I went to Lowes and picked out paint to paint the kitchen. I want my kitchen done in sunflowers. I want it to have a bit of a country feel to it.

I think looking around the house this weekend, Michael and I became a little overwhelmed with everything we still have to do. There are things with the electrical components that need to be worked on. I have to call the warranty company and see what to do about not having hot water. So much to do. But, it's worth it. I know it's worth. It's our home now.

Today is mine and Michael's three year anniversary. I am going to try and review some of that history in this post and tell him and you why he's so important to me. To understand us now, you have to understand where we come from. It's going to be a little long so be fair warned.

Michael and I were 14 when we first met at church. His mother taught Sunday school and somehow I started helping her. He would come to church with her and just hang out in her Sunday school class with the three year old kids and me. I don't know what it was about him at that time but I felt connected to him...at 14. He may not remember this but I introduced myself to him by saying, "My name is Crystal and I am going to be your new best friend." And it started.

We "officially dated" only around four months. Yes, we were 14 but both my parents and his were lenient as to how often we saw each other...which was whenever we could and wanted. He was my first...and I was his. Needless to say, we saw a lot of each other. For whatever reason, we broke up and never became officially a couple until years down the road.

During ages 15-17 we saw each other time to time. Sometimes it was like dating and sometimes it was physical. I loved him, knew I loved him at 14, and there was no doubt. He was everything to me. During these years, it was hard though. I wanted something that he didn't. I wanted to know that he loved me as much as I loved him but he couldn't give that to me. However, I took what I could. He was never blatantly mean to me but he would only see me if it was convenient for him. Both of our brothers went to Boy Scouts on Monday nights and my dad was a helper of sorts. I lived for Monday nights...to be close to him for an hour...and would wait on pins and needles until the next Monday. During these years, there were times when we would not talk for weeks. I dated other people during this time but they were not Michael.

And then one day in March, when we were 17, he called and my world fell apart. I don't know if he was preparing himself for the journey he was about to go on or letting me go so he didn't hurt me. Whatever the case, I was told that we were "officially" finished. He wasn't mean about it. He was probably the most gentle that I had ever heard him that night. We were finished. No sense in killing my spirit I suppose.

So, March 11 2001, we went our separate ways. He dated another girl and I dated another guy. But I loved Michael. After a year or so, I came to terms that Michael and I were finished. I decided I would give this other guy a chance and force myself to be happy. I would make myself be happy with him. I guess I didn't want to be alone. It wasn't the same. I didn't wake up every morning with the same thrill and feeling of excitement. It was during this time, I gained most of my weight. This guy was toxic for me. Always holding the fact that he knew I loved Michael over my head. Never letting me forget Michael. That relationship was doomed from the very beginning. In May of 2005, after breaking up numerous times, this guy and I parted ways for good. And I never felt freer.

I was by myself from May of 05 til March of 06. It was a good time for me to relearn who I was, what I wanted, and what I wanted to become. It was perhaps the best thing that happened to me.

And then one night, while talking to one of my friends, she wanted me to speak with someone. I said okay and HE got on the phone. MICHAEL. Oh my dear God, I thought. I can't believe it's him. March 11, 2006, five years TO THE DAY that we departed ways, we spoke again. I can't even begin to describe what I felt and what this meant to me. We met in a local parking lot that night, briefly spoke, exchanged numbers, and I expected nothing else.

However, my "wildest dreams" came true. (I say wildest dreams because there had never been a thought in my head this might happen). We saw each other almost everyday for about a year. If we didn't see each other, we spoke on the phone. We got to know each other, learned about each other's past while we had been apart, and began to REALLY love each other. Although, for the first year, I never believed him when he said he loved me. It was hard for me to really believe that he could ever love me. After all, I had loved him for eight years, ever since I was 14 and at that time I was 22. Loving him was as natural as breathing for me. In the years that we were apart, I never stopped loving him and there was never a day that I did not think about him. It is hard to say how I knew at 14 he was the only one I could ever be happy with but I did.

Michael and I are currently in the process of buying a house. We were engaged Christmas Eve 08. Sometimes, I have to stop and question if this is real...yes even now. I know it is and I know he loves me. But, there is always the nagging feeling of when is it going to end. When am I going to have to pick myself up again? However, with everyday, it's getting easier. Like I said, I know he loves me. I know we are going to spend our lives together. I know that things are different now. For one, we are adults. We or I should say he, have lived the "crazy life" and know what it is like. That's done.

I don't think he knows how much he means to me or how much I love him. I am so proud of how far he has come in his life and the man he has become. I knew he was something special when I first saw him 11 years ago. I knew I loved him and wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. He is my soulmate.

I have learned patience with him. I have learned that all good things are worth waiting for and will come in time if they are meant to be. He's my life. He's my rock. And soon, in about a year and a half, he will be my husband. And I am forever grateful for the acceptance and love he gives me everyday. He has been so supportive during this time of my life.

I know he reads this so I want to say to him: I love you baby and Happy Three Year anniversary.

I live for my weekends...just because...well, you know, it's the weekend. It's also the time I get to spend with Michael and the food plan relaxes. We decided to go fishing yesterday. I love fishing though I have only caught one fish before. It's a time that I relax and just breathe. It's also a time that I get to just sit with Michael and talk. It's the time he asks me things about whatever it is he's thinking about. One thing he asked me about yesterday was my emotional eating. He and I are very open with each other and I try to include him even during the hardest times. Emotional eating is something I do I explained to him. If my moods are extreme (good or bad) or if I am bored, one of the first things I will look for is something to eat. He kind of look puzzled and said, "I only eat if I am hungry." Yes, I told him. That's what you are supposed to do and what most people do. However, there are those like me who "eat their feelings."

So that got me thinking. Do I eat more on the weekends because it's the weekend? Or do I eat more on the weekends because I am extremely happy it's the weekend? Either way, I have really got to start doing better. Since I don't track, I don't honestly know how many calories I eat on the weekend. I was haphazard a guess that the calories on the weekend in just one day are double the calories I eat in one day during the week. I know this has got to be hindering my progress. I have to do some much make up work during the week that by the end of the week, I am only caught up..not really ahead. I really need to change that. I really need to start holding myself accountable during the weekend and not just the week.

As you probably have already guessed, my name is Crystal. I am 25 year old fat, engaged, caseworker. Yes, fat. Not obese and not morbidly obese (mainly because I hate those words) but fat. This blog is my journey from the pits of “fatness” to the height of fitness. I have just recently began my journey, but progress has been made.

My wonderful fiance, Michael, has been and continues to be very supportive. I really look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. I'll post pictures of us soon.

This is like the third blog I have started. I can never stay committed to them long enough. I hope that this one will be an outlet and help me stay accountable to myself. We'll see. Talk to you soon!