A Little Less Crystal

Where were you when the towers went down? I know you know. Kind of like the generation during the Kennedy era knew where they were when JFK was killed.

I was in my living room, in a gliding rocking chair, watching the Today show. They broke in to report a plane had hit one of the towers. It was unbelievable. I don't have to review the rest. Everyone knows what happened and what has happened since.

During this time period, I was a nanny to three precious little girls. I still call them my girls. I called their dad and got permission to get them out of school. I picked them up and took them to McDonalds. I felt this was something so simple but so real for me. I was heartbroken about 9/11 and my girls were my comfort that day. That night I listened as I heard no planes in the sky.

My heart goes out to the families that lost loved ones this day eight years ago. Wow, I can't believe it's been that long. But it has. However, I don't imagine it gets any easier over time.




This picture has always brought me to tears. I can't imagine what it was like there.

Have you ever dealt with the IRS? Did you ever feel like you were dealing with a stubborn two year old? I am in the process of trying to claim the First Time Home Owners Tax Credit and it has been a pain in the ass. I have bent over backwards trying to get the information that they have requested. I am convinced that there is not a "letter by a government entity" I am supposed to get. This is just something the IRS dreamed up to make this difficult. No one knows what type of letter I am supposed to be getting.

Also, Michael and I are in the process of getting some information together to get a marriage license. The wedding has never been as stressful as this IRS and marriage license stuff.

Weight is still the same. I have still be tracking but today has not been good. But, as long as I can maintain until October, I will be happy.

*Peaks around the corner* "Hello?" *Hearing self echo*

It's been 17 weeks since my last blog entry. I think it's time. The good news is I haven't gained weight back. I've pretty much stayed in between 242 and 245. I still track everyday and try to keep on plan. However, there are days when I have went off plan completely and did "my own thing" (translation: Pizza and cheetos and chips and ice cream). But I have maintained which is more than I can say for myself in the past. To be honest, I haven't proactively, seriously, consciously TRIED to lose weight. My main concern has been to not GAIN weight.

In other news, Michael and I decided in July that we are getting married in October. Well, let's be honest. I asked if October was okay, told him why I wanted to be married this year, and he say okay. It wasn't his idea but he's okay with it. We were going to wait until October 2010 but I just could not. So, here we are. I started planning as soon as I knew he was okay with it and have been planning ever since. I'm very excited and very nervous at the same time.

And seeing as I am not busy enough already, I've decided to try to blog again. I need to blog. I have missed it so much. For me, writing is my "happy pill." My way to make it better when everything is so wrong. Here I go.

I entered a giveaway on Kelly's blog here. Chocolate is my favorite food group AND I have never won anything. I want to win this.

Please note this post might not be appropriate for everyone. Don't read it if you are offended easily!

Apparently, I am the spawn of satan. At least that's what my grandmother would have her sister believe. The same sister that said she wasn't allowed to live up there has now decided she IS allowed to live up there and is coming tomorrow to get her. The same sister who called my mom a year ago when my grandmother was there and told her she had 24 hours to get her out of her house. NOW, she's ready to come get her because I'm the spawn of satan.

Because of my grandmother's handicap, she is a little off in the head. She lies and manipulates to get what she wants. I'm not sure she knows what she is doing 100% of the time. I would say 90% of the time she does though. When caught in a lie, she reminds me of a child. A four year old, eyes wide, knowing they just told a fib. AND IT PISSES ME OFF. She told her sister tonight that I hit her in the head with a cell phone. I may be a lot of things but a grandma abuser I am not. I may have a lot of issues but if I was going to hit her, it sure as hell would not be with a cell phone. What the fuck ever...

I got to thinking and I truly believe my weight gain has been stress. I have had issues losing weight since my grandmother got here. And, either because I'm losing weight or because of the stress my TOM is irregular at the moment. I normally only have my TOM once every three months because of the method I use taking my pills. I have had my TOM off and on for almost a month now.

Michael also suggested my weight gain could be muscle from me walking. I don't know what it is but I hope to regain control of my body. This up and down mess can't be good for my body and I know it's not good for my mental state.

I'm also very worried about my mom during this whole thing with my grandmother. I have tried helping my mom with her but my mom is so emotional sometimes. Obviously, if you have read my blog you know that I am too. However, I tend to vent to Michael or to this blog instead of holding it all in. I'm also very VERY honest about what I am feeling and how intensely I am feeling it. That helps...a bit. But my mom...not so much. She holds everything inside and it eats at her. She won't talk to anyone about it or do anything about it. I worry about leaving her when I move into our house. I hope my step-dad comes back home to stay with her (he lives with his mom at the moment).

There's so much going on right now. No wonder my body is holding onto its weight. It's in the fight or flight mode and it's fighting. Damn is it fighting. My heart is still racing as we speak because of the argument with her earlier. FUCK..why does she get to me so bad.

I don't know if I have emphasized enough about the fact that I go to bed EVERY NIGHT at 7:30-8:00. I can even go really early at 7:00 if it has been a tiring day for me. I have not always done this. When I was in school and working part time, my life did not require so much energy. I could stay up until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning and still get up to go to school and then work afterwards. When I started working full time, that's when this going to bed early thing became a big deal. This was also the time I started putting on a lot of weight. Now according to some studies, getting a good nights sleep helps weight loss. If that were true, I would be a size 2. But I digress.

Yesterday, was a really crazy day for me at work and it got even more so when I came home. I was so stressed out about the house, my grandmother, and life in general that I was really to go to bed around 15 til 8. Then she started and I could tell it was going to be one of those nights. So I got up. And went walking. I got redressed and went walking. At 8 something. I also walked for about 15 minutes but I was so tired afterward. I am WAY out of shape. But I walked, with my chocolate Lab pulling me along. And then I came back and slept LIKE.A.ROCK. I normally get up about three times during the night. Not last night. I don't know if it was the walk or I was just really tired. Whatever. I am going to try to set my walking days for Tuesday and Thursday to start with. I want to walk at least 15 minutes. I am going to do this for two weeks. Then increase my time to 20 minutes. We'll see what happens.

Hope everyone is doing well. I promise to get around to your blogs tonight or tomorrow.

Oh my. My grandmother is driving me crazy. My migraines have increased since she come to live here. I used to have migraines long ago and they had stopped for the most part. Now, they are back. The sound of her voice is like nails on a chalkboard for me. She does nothing but fucking complain. I know she is my grandmother but DEAR GOD, STOP FUCKING TALKING FOR FIVE MINUTES!!! Ahem. Sorry. Find out more about her here and here and here AND here. Look, I completely understand that she's my grandmother and I should have respect for her for that fact alone. She's never been a grandmother in the ways I define a grandmother. I guess that's why I feel like she's my mother's mother and not my grandmother. And I guess that's why she pisses me the fuck off. She doesn't really have a sense of what is appropriate to talk about when. And will talk about anything at the most inappropriate times. And all she does is complain.

(yes, I'm complaining now...shut up. I have to vent).

Moving on....

I'm beginning to calm down a little big with the house issues. I called our warranty company tonight and they are sending some plumbers and electricians out to look into some of our issues. That makes me happy. I want things fixed...and I want it now..kinda like this weight loss thing.

Why, in the hell, does it take so long to take the weight off and takes no time to put it back on? That pisses me off. I know last week was earned but still. It took one week to put the same two pounds back on as it took three weeks to take it off. I guess that's part of it and I guess I'm feeling a little frustrated. I want to walk but I'm having to help my mom with my grandmother. My mom is going to have to start doing it herself. I need to walk to relieve some of this stress. It's important for my mental health and physical health. The weight would come off easier if I could walk. We'll see what happens.

Thanks for listening to me bitch. Appreciate that.

Okay, so I'm waiting for my car to warm up before I head out to work. I hate getting in a cold car and waiting for the heat to warm things up.

This weekend was a productive weekend I think. My mom and I got to work cleaning my new house on Saturday. It was a long drawn out process enhanced by the fact that my mom LOVES to clean. She was in her element. We dusted EVERYTHING, vacuumed EVERYTHING, and mopped EVERYTHING..except the kitchen. It smelled so much better when we were finished. My body is still sore from doing all this but it was worth it.

On Sunday, Michael and I went to Lowes and picked out paint to paint the kitchen. I want my kitchen done in sunflowers. I want it to have a bit of a country feel to it.

I think looking around the house this weekend, Michael and I became a little overwhelmed with everything we still have to do. There are things with the electrical components that need to be worked on. I have to call the warranty company and see what to do about not having hot water. So much to do. But, it's worth it. I know it's worth. It's our home now.

Okay, so, this is the first time I have ever been tagged for anything. Mac Attack tagged me.

Game of Eights

8 Things I am Looking Forward to:

1. Marrying Michael
2. Moving into our new house
3. Time off of work (though I'm not sure when)
4. At the moment, dinnertime
5. Painting my new house
6. Going clothes shopping
7. Getting tax money back for buying a house
8. My new body (when I create it)

8 Things I Did Yesterday:

1. Ate breakfast
2. Went to work
3. Saw and talked with eight clients (usually it's only five)
4. Went to lunch with a coworker
5. Went to the Dollar Store with my mom
6. Bought a Swiffer
7. Ate pizza
8. Watched the thunderstorm

8 Things I Wish I Could do:

1. Not fall off plan
2. Fly
3. Skydive
4. Ride horses
5. Love myself more
6. Go explore the sets of Harry Potter
7. Meet J.K. Rowling
8. Fit into a size 10 wedding dress

8 Shows I Watch:

1. The Biggest Loser
2. Dr. Phil
3. Oprah
4. CMT Top 20 Countdown
5. Animal Cops
6. K9 Cops
7. Dateline
8. Jon and Kate Plus 8

8 people I tag: (If you don't do these, you don't have to feel pressure!)

1. Lola Fierce
2. H.K. Weighs In
3. Ex Hot Girl
4. Escape from Obesity
5. Journeying to Lose 200 Pounds
6. Scale Junkie
7. The Breathing Post
8. Hold the May. Extra Cheese

Stopping by to say that I am not going to kill over for awhile. But seriously, I am doing great. My doctor says that he is extremely happy with the blood work I had done a few weeks ago at work. Everything looks exactly like it should and some even looks better than it should (given my weight). My heart valve is ticking away just like it should. There is no evidence of deterioration or leakage around the valve. Which, for me, is wonderful news. I have been worried about this for the past couple of weeks. I have been tired and having chest pains. He attributes this to stress and said I need to exercise.
Yes, thank you. I realize that. That's why I am here. I want to start exercising. I want to start feeling better. I want to lose weight faster. Anyway, he knew why I was there and was just telling me what I wanted to hear. So, what do I plan to do?

I do plan to start exercising...just not tonight. I have a massive headache at the moment. And, my grandmother is at an all new "high" so to speak. I don't know what the deal is with her. She is a perpetual three year old and when caught in a lie, lies like a three year old. But whatever. Exercising. Yes. I plan to do it. But not tonight.

One thing I love about having a blog is people get interested in what's going on in your life. I had a comment in my last post here asking about the closing of my house. Thank you so much 4 oz. Lets me know you care.

The closing went really well and without any issues. I really enjoyed the whole process once I got over my anxiety of it all. The lawyer was wonderful and my realtor and broker/lender was there. This made it all very easy to deal with and I understood what was going on. Before the closing, my anxiety was through the roof. During the closing, I was very calm and very focused. After the closing, I was very nervous, almost nauseous. Even now, I am little nervous about the whole situation.

My food was not that great today. It was okay and could have been worse. I have only gone over 67 calories. I'm not sure how this week is going to be anyway for me. The stress is through the roof for me. Combine my grandmother, with my house closing, and trying to work my ass off at work, I'm starving. For me, when I am really stressed, I get really hungry. I have tried to control what I eat to ensure that at least I don't gain.

I'm also nervous about the doctor tomorrow. I have an artificial aorta valve. I have had it since I was 9 and I am almost 26 years old. They generally only last 10 years but mine has lasted 17 years. We are going to find out how the valve is doing now and how I am doing in general. This creates enormous stress for me. I am so scared something will be wrong. I don't want to admit this fear because I feel like I need to protect everyone around me from me. Does that make sense? I guess we will see what happens.

Hope everyone is doing well with their week. I will definitely be here tomorrow to tell everyone how my doctor's appointment went.

"Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish." - John Quincy Adams

Found it, loved it, shared it. Now going to work.

Okay, so remember last week, when my grandmother came up here? Here, I'll wait while you read a little about my grandmother....Finished? Yeah, she's not much better at the moment. My uncle finally brought her bed here along with all of her worldly belongings. This upset her to no end and brought about a semi nervous breakdown. Yes, it's final. She's here for as long as my mom can keep her here. And, as frustrating as she is, it's good she's here. I have a feeling she ate crap at my uncle's house. She has said more than once all she ate was Cheerios. While this is not completely unhealthy, it's not the best thing for her, especially all the time. However, since she has come here, she has done nothing but eat. I'm not sure if it's because she had nothing or she just eats that much. She eats 3x as much as I do and this cannot be healthy for her. But, what can you do? She's not eating junk but she adds salt, butter, other crap to the food she eats. And that's bad.

Tuesday, April 7, I will officially be a homeowner. I will definitely be closing on mine and Michael's house on Tuesday. This is also very nerve racking for me but I know it will be worth. I know that this is a good move given the present economic climate. I am very excited and look forward to getting our house set up. I know Michael is excited about this as well. He was disappointed that we did not close this past Tuesday. In fact, he was a little angry about it. We are ready though.

I'm a little scared about how this will effect my weight loss. I have been so nervous this week that I haven't really eaten like I am supposed to. I haven't eaten junk food...not at all. I just haven't eaten all my calories. I haven't been hungry enough to eat. When I do eat, it feels forced and I hate that. I have still been drinking water (and peeing more than a normal person should). I know that this journey is going to be worth it.

Oh, good news. I had a blood panel test done at work about two weeks ago. I got my results yesterday and they are GREAT. My cholesterol is 122 overall. I will post more results at another time. I go to bed really early and it's that time. Good night.

I hope everyone has had a great weekend. I know mine has been good but also a little stressful. Michael and I were supposed to close on a house Tuesday. Did I tell you we are buying a house? Well, I guess I may have mentioned it....nope..I guess I haven't. Well, we are buying a house. It's a cute three bedroom two bath ranch style house. I'll have to take pictures because it's already been removed from Realtor.com. At any rate, we were supposed to close on Tuesday but it looks like it might be later in the week. I haven't talked with the loan officer or my realtor this weekend. On Friday, it sounded like it would be later. So, we will see.

I have also started a new project. I am not sure how many of you are familiar with a forum. From the time I was 18 until I was 22, I was really involved in forums. I found them while searching for Harry Potter stuff on the internet. I am a HUGE Harry Potter fan and I created a forum for my obsession. Wizarding Realm was a forum I helped create. I'm no longer active there but the forum is still up and running. I'm still obsessed with Harry Potter but I'm really too old to be sitting around talking about Harry Potter all the time. But I digress. I have started another forum, my first one in around four years. Weighs to Lose is going to be a support forum for those trying to lose weight, maintain, or just become healthier. I am a member of other weight loss forum but they are BIG. Yes, I want this one to grow eventually but I need something a little smaller. Register if you are interested. I'll be posting updates about the forum from time to time on this blog.

I'm ready for this new week. It can't possibly be worse than the last one but you never know. I have my food planned out and still plan on sticking to drinking my water. I hope everyone has a good week.

Okay, so let's face it. It's not been the best of weeks for me on the home front. I feel like I am raising a VERY independent three year old. One minute, my grandmother is telling me she loves me and the next she says she isn't going to talk to me. I could give examples but you wouldn't believe me if I told you. Just imagine the most stubborn and independent three year old and that's her.

Work has been okay. I'm glad the week is over and hopefully, everyone will be back next week. I am so busy with my own stuff. I don't have time to make up others slack. But whatever.

As far as my diet goes, I'm tired of calling it that. I have been doing this for three months now. This is the longest I have stuck to something since I was 18 (I'll post more about that later). I have really gotten used to eating how I eat and it's not that I didn't know to begin with, I just didn't DO it. I feel like increasing my water intake has really helped this week. I have not felt nearly as hungry or had cravings as I have had in the past.

The major problem I have had this week is I haven't eaten all my calories every day. I have kinda done the calorie cycling thing. I just haven't been hungry enough to eat everything I am supposed to. I know that I have to eat to lose weight. I don't want my body to go into "starvation mode" because I am not eating.

I did weigh this morning and I lost three pounds...yes, three pounds. That puts my weight at 247. This is a 31 pound lost from November 2008 and a 23 pound lost since January 5. I am proud of the three pounds but also, I am scared of it. I have been lost small amounts of weight each week..between 1 and 2 pounds. I am scared of losing more than that. I don't want to continue to yo yo up and down. But, I guess that's how it goes.

I want to thank everyone for the comments this week. They have meant so much and helped me more than you know. I try to read and respond to each one.

Let's hope for a better week, shall we?

THANK GOD it's almost Friday. Work this week has been a total BITCH and I am exhausted. We have had several people out last week and this week. I am a Medicaid caseworker for the state. I love my job. Don't get me wrong. However, I see a lot of dead beat people and this upsets me to no end. I have had four open heart surgeries, have an implanted defibrillator, and an artificial aorta valve. I hold down a full time job and pay for my own insurance. I don't ask for help. Yes, when I was a child, I was on Medicaid. However, social security had deemed me permanently disabled.

Now let me make myself clear, I do not have anything against disabled, elderly, or otherwise people who have a handicap getting services. What I DO hold issue with is those people who have never worked in their life, have three children with different fathers, living in government housing, and gets all their bills paid by their momma. THAT is what I hold issue with. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have sat down with these people.

Yes, I have very nice clients but I have some really nasty pieces of work though. The nice people make my job worth it. The people who are really trying make it worth. And the children make it worth it.

To top this off, my grandmother is living with us for now. (I live with my mom). She was born mildly mentally retarded. I have never had a strong emotional connection with her and I guess that's part of what I am feeling. I'm not sure she's capable of understand stuff like that. When I was growing up, she was on the level of a 16-20 year old. As the years have progressed, she has regressed. Right now, I would predict her IQ and functioning level is that of a three year old. So, it's like taking care of a child. You have to make sure she takes her medicine right, she wants to know EVERYTHING, and she talks..my gosh how she talks. I have learned just to let her talk...I don't have to respond. She wasn't in a set schedule when she came here on Saturday. As the week has gone on, I have managed to get her in a somewhat schedule. My mom is not strict enough with her to put her into a schedule so I am in charge of that. I'm tired. Exhausted. Ready to quit. Ready to leave. But I can't and won't. My mom needs help right now to take care of her.

So how's my diet going? In the midst of all this, I have actually ate less than I normally do. I have scheduled things to eat but I haven't been able to get it in. I have basically eaten breakfast, lunch, and dinner...and that's it. So, we will see what happens on Saturday. I am just feeling unmotivated but not uncommitted. I just feel like the weight is not coming off fast enough. I want it to come off faster. I can't wait to start exercising because I know it will make a world of difference.

I told my mom tonight I HAD to sit down here and vent. I couldn't do anything until I had sat down here. I didn't mean for it to be this long but there you go. That's the kind of week I have.

I want to start by thanking everyone for the nice comments that you have left. They have been WONDERFUL, encouraging, and I have learned from them. I know that this dieting thing is not straight forward and that there are lots of bumps in the road. I am so glad that I have started this blog. It has helped me immensely.

I have also really gotten the hang of the website I use to keep up with my calories. I use Calorie King to keep up with everything. It's high customizable and can keep up with most everything. The database is a good one, but I have had to add some foods into my database. The only issue I have with it is the price. The price is $75 a year. That's not bad compared with other diet plans but it's still a lot of money.

I am ready to start exercising, but I have to wait until April 8. I haven't really blogged about my health issues but I will one day. Suffice it to say that I have to wait until I see the doctor to do any exercise. I have to make sure that my heart is doing well and I won't fall over if I try to exercise. I know that exercising will help the weight come off.

I look forward to this week. I have planned out my food and have everything set. I am not as tired tonight as I have been so hopefully this week will be better. Hope everyone else has a good week also!

This is my beautiful chocolate lab named Mocha. I let her in the house today because it was colder. I took her out so she could see the snow. She was not amused. She did not like the cold and wanted to come back in. She's a diva I guess.

However, I thought the snow was absolutely beautiful. It's still snowing and I'm watching it fall. It's very peaceful and makes me feel like a kid again. The coolest thing about the snow this time is it is a Thundersnow Storm. Coolest thing and I had never heard of it. Sure enough, the lightning is every now and then and the thunder is regular. I really love weather. I should have been a tornado chaser or something. Missed my calling I guess.