Almost Friday

THANK GOD it's almost Friday. Work this week has been a total BITCH and I am exhausted. We have had several people out last week and this week. I am a Medicaid caseworker for the state. I love my job. Don't get me wrong. However, I see a lot of dead beat people and this upsets me to no end. I have had four open heart surgeries, have an implanted defibrillator, and an artificial aorta valve. I hold down a full time job and pay for my own insurance. I don't ask for help. Yes, when I was a child, I was on Medicaid. However, social security had deemed me permanently disabled.

Now let me make myself clear, I do not have anything against disabled, elderly, or otherwise people who have a handicap getting services. What I DO hold issue with is those people who have never worked in their life, have three children with different fathers, living in government housing, and gets all their bills paid by their momma. THAT is what I hold issue with. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have sat down with these people.

Yes, I have very nice clients but I have some really nasty pieces of work though. The nice people make my job worth it. The people who are really trying make it worth. And the children make it worth it.

To top this off, my grandmother is living with us for now. (I live with my mom). She was born mildly mentally retarded. I have never had a strong emotional connection with her and I guess that's part of what I am feeling. I'm not sure she's capable of understand stuff like that. When I was growing up, she was on the level of a 16-20 year old. As the years have progressed, she has regressed. Right now, I would predict her IQ and functioning level is that of a three year old. So, it's like taking care of a child. You have to make sure she takes her medicine right, she wants to know EVERYTHING, and she gosh how she talks. I have learned just to let her talk...I don't have to respond. She wasn't in a set schedule when she came here on Saturday. As the week has gone on, I have managed to get her in a somewhat schedule. My mom is not strict enough with her to put her into a schedule so I am in charge of that. I'm tired. Exhausted. Ready to quit. Ready to leave. But I can't and won't. My mom needs help right now to take care of her.

So how's my diet going? In the midst of all this, I have actually ate less than I normally do. I have scheduled things to eat but I haven't been able to get it in. I have basically eaten breakfast, lunch, and dinner...and that's it. So, we will see what happens on Saturday. I am just feeling unmotivated but not uncommitted. I just feel like the weight is not coming off fast enough. I want it to come off faster. I can't wait to start exercising because I know it will make a world of difference.

I told my mom tonight I HAD to sit down here and vent. I couldn't do anything until I had sat down here. I didn't mean for it to be this long but there you go. That's the kind of week I have.


  1. "4 oz" said...
    Crystal, WOW. I don't know what to say other than, "WOW..." I hope that venting on the blog made you feel better. (Did it?) Just up on your healthy habits will make you feel more stressed. Keep your head seems like you're a survivor - you'll get through anything!
    Crystal said...
    Yes, venting on the blog made me feel much better. I think this is a good place for me right now. I don't plan on giving up the healthy habits. I just haven't felt like eating ANYTHING at all. Thanks for the encouragement.
    Anonymous said...
    Crystal - hang in there. HANG IN THERE. I'm glad you vented here. And definitely, keep doing it. this is like your safe little place where you can say anything and we won't judge. And if we do -- you can just delete our comments (ha!).

    Seriously, hang in there. Remember, there's lots of things you cannot control but you have full control of you -- of what goes into your body. Right now, you need the BEST fuel, food with the BEST nutrients and the MOST vitamins.

    Carol said...
    What a great story Crystal, you have the right to rant and rave. You are a person of convictions and I praise you for that. Vent when you can and sing praise with your weight loss. Remember not to let the grief of this world rob you of your happiness. God Bless You.
    H.K. said...
    It's your blog, so if you feel like writing a 4 page blog, then do it! You have ALOT going on in your life right now and I'm glad you took the time to vent about it in your blog, that's what it's for. (I have to remind myself of that all the time!)

    I give you 5 stars for committed, even when you don't feel motivated. You're an example of how you can still stick to your diet, no matter how many curve balls life throws at you.

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