A Little Less Crystal

Not sure what is wrong this morning but my tummy started hurting after I ate. Not a nauseous kind of hurt just tummy pain. I hope it goes away.

Okay, my question today is this: Is it wrong for me to feel aggravated with a coworker who has lost more weight than I have in the four weeks she has started? I was the one who encouraged her to start and all she talks about is how much weight SHE has lost, how much exercise SHE does, and acts completely uninterested in what I'm doing. I have really stopped talking to her for the most part. Not just because of this but other ways she makes me feel very negative about my day and work. She talks bad about everything at our work.

Also, I was talking with a different coworker about my grandmother and this coworker fussed at me for talking about my grandmother. I told her I wasn't talking to her and that she did not have to listen if she didn't want to hear what I have to say.

Anyway, back to my original thought. She has a personal trainer (because she can AFFORD to). Her husband is very wealthy so the money she makes working, is "play money." She talks about eating organic and all this nonsense. And it aggravates me. She is unconcerned about anything having to do with my weight loss. It's all about her. I think I am going to continue not talking to her. I don't need or want negativity in my life right now. I am proud of my progress. I have seen the scale dip down this week after my loss on Saturday. I am hoping to at least get back to where I was two weeks ago (245).

I haven't started walking yet. I want to do this tonight whenever I get home. I have also order The Biggest Loser Cookbook, the first one. I have the 30 Day Jump Start and the Family Cookbook but I wanted this one.

Hope everyone is having a good week! Two days til Friday!

THANK GOD it's almost Friday. Work this week has been a total BITCH and I am exhausted. We have had several people out last week and this week. I am a Medicaid caseworker for the state. I love my job. Don't get me wrong. However, I see a lot of dead beat people and this upsets me to no end. I have had four open heart surgeries, have an implanted defibrillator, and an artificial aorta valve. I hold down a full time job and pay for my own insurance. I don't ask for help. Yes, when I was a child, I was on Medicaid. However, social security had deemed me permanently disabled.

Now let me make myself clear, I do not have anything against disabled, elderly, or otherwise people who have a handicap getting services. What I DO hold issue with is those people who have never worked in their life, have three children with different fathers, living in government housing, and gets all their bills paid by their momma. THAT is what I hold issue with. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have sat down with these people.

Yes, I have very nice clients but I have some really nasty pieces of work though. The nice people make my job worth it. The people who are really trying make it worth. And the children make it worth it.

To top this off, my grandmother is living with us for now. (I live with my mom). She was born mildly mentally retarded. I have never had a strong emotional connection with her and I guess that's part of what I am feeling. I'm not sure she's capable of understand stuff like that. When I was growing up, she was on the level of a 16-20 year old. As the years have progressed, she has regressed. Right now, I would predict her IQ and functioning level is that of a three year old. So, it's like taking care of a child. You have to make sure she takes her medicine right, she wants to know EVERYTHING, and she talks..my gosh how she talks. I have learned just to let her talk...I don't have to respond. She wasn't in a set schedule when she came here on Saturday. As the week has gone on, I have managed to get her in a somewhat schedule. My mom is not strict enough with her to put her into a schedule so I am in charge of that. I'm tired. Exhausted. Ready to quit. Ready to leave. But I can't and won't. My mom needs help right now to take care of her.

So how's my diet going? In the midst of all this, I have actually ate less than I normally do. I have scheduled things to eat but I haven't been able to get it in. I have basically eaten breakfast, lunch, and dinner...and that's it. So, we will see what happens on Saturday. I am just feeling unmotivated but not uncommitted. I just feel like the weight is not coming off fast enough. I want it to come off faster. I can't wait to start exercising because I know it will make a world of difference.

I told my mom tonight I HAD to sit down here and vent. I couldn't do anything until I had sat down here. I didn't mean for it to be this long but there you go. That's the kind of week I have.

Okay, so proudness might not be a word but I am overflowing with it. This weight loss thing has not been easy for me. In fact, it's been a downright bitch. BUT..I do know that it is going to be worth it because I am becoming healthier.

So you wanna know the reason I am overflowing with proudness? One of my coworkers pulled me aside this morning to tell me how proud they are of me. I did not realize that anyone at work knew or realized I was losing weight. She said she did not want to embarrass me but I was looking great. She asked what I was doing and what not. I explained the basics to her. She said they she and some other coworkers had noticed that I was losing weight and she wanted to tell me this.

I cannot begin to describe to you how happy and proud I was with myself. This makes my heart feel so good to know that someone else is noticing my hard work. I have been able to tell since the first five pounds I lost. But knowing that 20 pounds into this, someone else is noticing too is a great morale booster for me.

And then, on top of this today, one of my clients brought me some goodies from the Atlanta Bread Company. I had processed her case with a quickness because her child needed surgery. She brought all kinds of little cookies and cakes. I was so tempted. With the exception of my compliments from my coworker, work today was horrible. So, I was feeling a bit down. Normally a cookie or cake would have been just what I wanted...but not what I needed. I set the goodies on an empty desk, walked around to everyone and told them about them, and went back to my desk. I sat there, ate my cantaloupe and did not get up until the goodies were gone.

I'm overflowing with proudness. I know I can do this. It's baby steps like this that help me. I can do this. We all can do this. I just have to start believing in myself more and know that this is for me.

As you probably have already guessed, my name is Crystal. I am 25 year old fat, engaged, caseworker. Yes, fat. Not obese and not morbidly obese (mainly because I hate those words) but fat. This blog is my journey from the pits of “fatness” to the height of fitness. I have just recently began my journey, but progress has been made.

My wonderful fiance, Michael, has been and continues to be very supportive. I really look forward to spending the rest of my life with him. I'll post pictures of us soon.

This is like the third blog I have started. I can never stay committed to them long enough. I hope that this one will be an outlet and help me stay accountable to myself. We'll see. Talk to you soon!