She's Leaving

Please note this post might not be appropriate for everyone. Don't read it if you are offended easily!

Apparently, I am the spawn of satan. At least that's what my grandmother would have her sister believe. The same sister that said she wasn't allowed to live up there has now decided she IS allowed to live up there and is coming tomorrow to get her. The same sister who called my mom a year ago when my grandmother was there and told her she had 24 hours to get her out of her house. NOW, she's ready to come get her because I'm the spawn of satan.

Because of my grandmother's handicap, she is a little off in the head. She lies and manipulates to get what she wants. I'm not sure she knows what she is doing 100% of the time. I would say 90% of the time she does though. When caught in a lie, she reminds me of a child. A four year old, eyes wide, knowing they just told a fib. AND IT PISSES ME OFF. She told her sister tonight that I hit her in the head with a cell phone. I may be a lot of things but a grandma abuser I am not. I may have a lot of issues but if I was going to hit her, it sure as hell would not be with a cell phone. What the fuck ever...

I got to thinking and I truly believe my weight gain has been stress. I have had issues losing weight since my grandmother got here. And, either because I'm losing weight or because of the stress my TOM is irregular at the moment. I normally only have my TOM once every three months because of the method I use taking my pills. I have had my TOM off and on for almost a month now.

Michael also suggested my weight gain could be muscle from me walking. I don't know what it is but I hope to regain control of my body. This up and down mess can't be good for my body and I know it's not good for my mental state.

I'm also very worried about my mom during this whole thing with my grandmother. I have tried helping my mom with her but my mom is so emotional sometimes. Obviously, if you have read my blog you know that I am too. However, I tend to vent to Michael or to this blog instead of holding it all in. I'm also very VERY honest about what I am feeling and how intensely I am feeling it. That helps...a bit. But my mom...not so much. She holds everything inside and it eats at her. She won't talk to anyone about it or do anything about it. I worry about leaving her when I move into our house. I hope my step-dad comes back home to stay with her (he lives with his mom at the moment).

There's so much going on right now. No wonder my body is holding onto its weight. It's in the fight or flight mode and it's fighting. Damn is it fighting. My heart is still racing as we speak because of the argument with her earlier. FUCK..why does she get to me so bad.


  1. Monica said...
    My own mom makes me feel the same way! It sucks. It took me 27 years to realize that not only can I not change her, but I cant keep stressing out about her, either. I had to move on, otherwise Id always be holding myself back.

    Im sorry you are going through this right now, Im hoping youll come out of this a better person.

    And if this comment pisses you off, feel free to go ahead and smack me with your cell phone. :)
    jo said...
    Angie in TO said...
    I very recently lost my grandmother. I loved her very much, but I didn't like her alot of the time. Just because they are family does not mean you have to put up with them or their crap. And do not feel guilty, you can't change people, and you have to do what's best for you. *hugs*
    Anonymous said...
    Hang in there Crystal. This is hard. What you are doing is hard....

    Monica is right, you cannot change your grandmother (or her sister)... you only have control of you.


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